“I feel like a lot of people at uni have very tight knit friendship groups but I’m friends with lots of different people individually and sometimes it seems like I’m missing out when i see them hanging out in larger groups. What can I do to deal with FOMO and is it weird for me to ask to hang out with them more?”
By Ruby Caballero-Roff and Keira McTernan
Making friends for life at university is one of those things that feels compulsory in order to have a good experience. We all hear stories from much older people who say ‘the friends you make at uni are the friends you have for life’ or a bundle of other anecdotes from the time they spent at university. We’re all in the same boat and we know making friends when you’re older becomes more difficult, but that doesn’t mean you should put a lot of pressure on something which should happen naturally. Speaking from my own experience, my first year was scary, everything was new, and I too felt the need to make friends, but I also didn’t know how! Friendships in primary school, secondary school, and even college were always straight forward but now I had to make an effort to make friends and …I was stumped. It was not until my second year that bonds started to form, this was the main result of being proactive socially and joining societies.
It sounds great that you have many little friendship groups already as that is one of the hardest parts. It does seem daunting going from just hanging out every now and then to forming and securing that position of ‘close friends’ but I would suggest maybe organising something to do such as going out shopping or if there is an event at the SU that sounds fun then ask to go together, going to a quiz night, the pub or a wholesome movie night might be all it needs to secure those inside jokes, Banta and closeness of a friendship which you desire.
Try not to be afraid of putting yourself out there and asking to hang out more, it shows you are confident and everyone loves to hang around with confident people, the worst they would say is no and that’s not that scary.
I know, I know, it’s easy for me to sit here and tell you that everyone is in the same bought when it comes to friendships at university – but it is true. Everyone’s university experience is different, some live with their parents and commute, some live on campus surrounded by teenage boys while they’re cramming for their final year exams, and some do everything they can to form lifelong friendships that just can’t seem to stick. Yes, right now it feels awful seeing and hearing everyone dress up and get ready for a fabulous night out while you are binge watching repeat episodes of your comfort show on a Saturday night but what’s happening right now is not what will happen forever. So, please listen when I say that everyone, yes I mean everyone has experienced this at some point throughout their studies and even though you are seeing them hanging out in larger groups that doesn’t mean they aren’t going home and wishing that they too had more friends. Asking them to hang out is definitely not weird but it is definitely a message that everyone wants to read so do it! Send them a text or wait until the next time you see them and make plans for the following week, there isn’t much to do in Egham on a Saturday night so the likelihood of them being free and wanting to make plans is very high.
Ah FOMO, it’s a dreaded thing but quite funny really, it leaves you paranoid in the most bizarre circumstances. All of your flat mates randomly left the house together? You’ll start to worry thinking they’ve gone to have the best day out ever …without you! But seriously, look around this is Egham and they have probably just popped to Tesco. FOMO is hard to deal with especially if you’re starting to get hit with those January blues where loneliness is beginning to kick in so don’t overthink or stress about making plans with your friends. But do remember once you get the ball rolling with night out ideas and weekend shopping sprees you will soon be praying for a lazy weekend where you don’t have any plans and can just be by yourself, but don’t dwell on that or let that deter you because you need to find that balance for yourself and I am confident that you will.
Remember that pressure to find a close friendship group is not compulsory to be successful or to enjoy your time at university. If you graduate with being friends with many people individually like you are now that is still perfectly okay, you have the rest of your life to find these close friendships and these few years at university is not a determinant of the friendships or people you will be with for the rest of life, despite the old anecdotes which people like to tell. It is great to have friendships but it is not a must, put yourself out there and see what happens!
Image credit: Madeline Sidgwick