By Rhian Kille
Tiktok is rotting our approach to interpersonal relationships and conflicts. Professional therapists and opinionated influencers mingle together through social media platforms, giving advice in instructive short form content littered with pseudo-therapy terms and buzzwords. How many times have you seen a video about how you should break up with your boyfriend because he’s a ‘narcissist’ or that has encouraged you to have a confrontation with a friend? How many times has it made you consider/go through with it? And how many times did it reaffirm to you that you are a victim in a situation, as opposed to considering someone else‘s experience?
It’s not a revolutionary idea that social media is widening gaps between young people in the ‘real’ world, but there is now a prevalence of specific, pervasive rhetoric of individualism spreading online. bell hooks in her book, All About Love: New Visions (1999), ascribes young people’s cynicism towards love to a cultural absence of education on love and how to do the work that loving consists of – it could not be more relevant today. One should always take care to be communicative, active and discerning in their closest relationships, but I think that sentiments of compassion have fallen to the wayside in favour of always ‘protecting our peace’.
An issue with this rhetoric is that it is unbalanced and impersonal, fed into by the absence of nuance and bias towards extremity in short form content and the internet in general. Every one of us has our own history of experiences that colours how we navigate our interpersonal relationships. Whether or not we already lean towards being self-protective, the hurt that inevitably occurs in these relationships is only going to be exacerbated by this kind of content. This instinct subconsciously drives us towards being hypercritical and expecting perfection from the people in our lives and tells us we shouldn’t tolerate anything less. This is antithetical to deep connection and long-lasting relationships where people are going to make mistakes. It is an easy thing to use to justify the subconscious desire to not get hurt again; it is a risk-free alternative to remaining open hearted.
This content is particularly relevant for young adults right now – we have grown out of being children who saw the world through a black and white lens. We then grew into teenagers who tried to change who they were to fit in and please others, to young adults who are now quick to criticise without compassion, after most now having experienced the first big hurts of our lives from people we chose for ourselves. We find ourselves with all this hurt and are met online with life coaches, therapists, influencers, and more – a cacophony of voices telling us to quiet our fears, claiming to be able to give us a map to interpersonal empowerment, so we never have to feel that powerlessness again. This is the core sentiment that underpins their instructive language and assertive attitude. The thousands of accounts that take this form become a constant and impactful presence that begins to seep into how we all think about our relationships with each other and eventually how we form them.
It’s easy to see how this content came to popularity, at its core it has notions of individual empowerment and self-improvement, and so many people, women especially, struggle with people pleasing tendencies and being unhealthily self-sacrificing in their relationships. This idea of setting boundaries, communicating your needs clearly, and being rid of things that no longer ‘serve you’ all have great use. They are helpful especially to those who find themselves unable to validate their negative emotions – a result of past experiences of disrespect. But there is a difference between shrinking yourself like this and always putting yourself first. Not in a ‘self-care’ way, but in a way that disregards the importance of community and close relationships, and erases the normalcy of making mistakes. This attitude is what leads to the situations I’ve seen online where people claim they ‘protected their peace a little too hard’ and found themselves alone. Interdependency is healthy and does not come at the cost of independence – it is how human beings have always functioned and felt best. It’s a privilege to have a community to rely on, and it’s a valuable goal to build one for ourselves if circumstances leave us isolated.
However, in my experience, it is not isolated people who steep themselves in a victim narrative – I’ve definitely done it myself, especially in times when I’ve been hurt. There are often times where relationships get complicated and they might take work to preserve, and other times where you have to love someone and let them go because they aren’t good for you anymore. There are ways to do these things with compassion and empathy, through kind, honest and authentic communication when it is necessary. It’s not something you ‘owe’ anyone, which is a common idea rejected by this type of content, but it is a form of kindness we should want to show others. It shouldn’t have to be said that this doesn’t cover manipulative partners or people who have time and time again treated you badly. I‘m primarily thinking about friends, new or old, that aren’t giving you what they need because of a hard time, whether that’s one you know about or you don’t.
I’ve definitely found myself growing more judgemental and more anxious with the rise of this content. I forget often while venting that everyone is going through things that I know nothing about. Someone treating you badly isn’t necessarily because they’re a ‘narcissist’ or warrants you cutting them off because they ‘crossed a boundary’, although sometimes true. The people on your phone don’t know you or your situation, the advice that they give is entirely impersonal to you – therapy inherently cannot be given out of context. What I’m personally trying to learn is how to feel upset, angry or annoyed at someone while also having compassion for them, and acting in a way that holds these two things together, neither one cancelling out the other. This leaves room for uncomfortable mutual disagreement, where neither party is simply in the ‘right’. The self-prioritising narrative that this rhetoric derived from online content spreads has also become, in some cases, a disguise for an unwillingness to exercise empathy. The language can be used as a framework through which to villainise others and justify inconsiderate behaviour, generating hateful sub-cultures when it’s reaffirmed within groups of people. This simultaneously acts as a protection tool to stop people experiencing what is sometimes necessary work or hurt in important relationships.
In my case, I have had even best friends seal themselves away from me when faced with conflict in our relationships. I’m so vain I wrote a whole essay about it over a year later and I bet they think this article is about them. Their self-serving attitudes formed a permanent barrier between us and so did mine – we were all unwilling to see ourselves as anything but the victim. All of us acting as vain as each other. These base instincts are being subconsciously inflated by social media, influencing our relationships with each other. I think that it is key that we practice awareness of this influence and reorient ourselves around compassion and empathy for others. Our social media feeds should be curated around our values and not take away from the time we have with each other. Such a powerful tool only has value to us when it is used to strengthen our human connections, not damage them.
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