By Senior Lifestyle Editor, Evelyn Fernandez-Jarvis
Since the British Vogue article was released in October, questioning ‘Is having a boyfriend
embarrassing now?’, I suddenly feel extremely validated as a single woman. Is this
women’s way of fighting back at toxic masculinity? I find this wave of opposing a
partnership something that needs to be given more time to digest. In the age of Olivia Dean
and Chante Joseph, there is a massive shift towards women romanticising activities as
mundane as walking around the park, to using their empowerment by focusing on herself
and her future. With the emphasis on romantic love becoming less prominent I started to
ask myself: Why?
Let’s start with this idea of disappointment and dismissal. I feel as though in the modern age
it is now considered ‘rare’ to find a ‘nice partner’. Something as basic as human kindness is
now compared to gold dust. I believe that this disappointment in getting a surface level
connection that is ultimately short-lived, is now considered not worth the upset of the time
spent picking yourself back up afterwards. Presently, a lot of women are prioritising and
regrouping with a sense of self-focus. Instead of being upset that a man is not texting you
back, we are now more upset when we forgot a step in our expansive night time routine. This
is not to say that we are completely writing off the idea of partnership, but simply are
reacting to ongoing conditions in the dating market. This new wave of protection that a lot of
people have started to adapt to is romanticising the life of a ‘singleton’.
With role models such as Bridget Jones, women are and have adapted to relying on stable
pillars that we have currently in our day to day life. Female friendships are one of these big
power dynamics that hold a lot of power. With prominent figures in the media eye also
leaning towards this stance, such as Olivia Attwood stating: “There is not enough value
placed upon friendships for women versus romantic relationships, when actually my
female friendships have been the ones that have saved my life”, female friends are simply
the glue to feeling supported and a dynamic that prides itself on feeling understood on an
emotional and deeper level. In the age of feeling underappreciated, we have found the built
in solidarity that is needed in order to feel fulfilled. We find our ‘boyfriends’ in our friends.
The fact that we are able to find this relationship in our friendships allows us to hold
romantic interests to a certain standard. Do they treat me the same way that my friends
treat me?
Chante Joseph expressed in her British Vogue article that there was a distaste for centering
your life around the fact that you have a boyfriend. The idea that this is no longer a necessity
for women in the UK, now being able to do activities, such as opening a bank account and
buying a house without having been married prior, is a real and tangible answer. This surge of
women becoming increasingly more hyper-independent is changing the dynamics of what a
‘traditional’ relationship used to look like. Women are gaining degrees and levelling up in
workplace environments, to a height that has not been reached before. In Olivia Dean’s hit
single ‘Man I Need’ it is increasingly more obvious to me, at least on the side of the internet
that I am on, that women are fully embracing single life without the shame or guilt that was
externally attached.
The idea of becoming a ‘cat lady or a spinster’ is no longer uninteresting to me and to a
plethora of the public. The reasoning is quite simple and needs to be reiterated: having a
boyfriend does not automatically equate with having an interesting and thoroughly lived life.
Whilst having that romantic relationship is still desired and wanted by a lot of women, myself
included, I think the growing idea of not wanting to beg someone to notice them or appreciate
the qualities that are attached to them is something that I am waiting to see in potential
interests that may come forward in the future.
As someone that is currently single, I think in recent years I have constantly forced myself to
prioritise showing up for myself. This reliance on myself is the only reliable and constant
force that you will have and that you can manage directly. Whilst this does not mean that it is
easy, it does become a second-nature rhythm after consistently doing it. Reinforcing that you
can in fact do it alone, with your friends, with your parents, with people that put love and
reliability into a relationship, in the same way that you do. What I did find unexpected is this
constant comfort in the confidence that I would be okay in all types of situations because
there is no dependence on an outside force that simply will only message you at convenient
times.
So I go back to my first question that I started with, ‘Am I too good at being single?’
The answer is yes, and I am fully proud of that. It is not an upsetting thing, it is actually
something that is just a fact; I have not found someone that fits with who I am and
what I want for myself. What I do have instead is an amazing life of figuring out loads
of different aspects of myself and the world around me. I believe that this reinforced
sense of self allows you to have a clear line of what you want for yourself and what
you don’t. So it is not necessarily embarrassing to have a boyfriend, it is more so
stating that when you get one, do not forget who you are as a person. Whilst a
relationship is an aspect of your life, it is not your entire life’s purpose, that was
previously forced upon women, but is now just something that is meant to add value
and make your life feel that much more fulfilled.
Image Via Unsplash by Priscilla Du Preez