KFConsole: The Games Console / Chicken Heater That Exists For Some Reason
A game console like no other, by Alex Whiteman
When the odds are stacked against us, and it seems like the entire world wants to tell us “No, that’s not possible, surely it can’t be done”, we look up to the stars and say “Just watch me”. Because we know that rules are made to be broken. We know that dreams were meant to be followed. The impossible was made to be possible.”
This is a direct quote from the trailer for the next innovation in gaming, the latest console to hit the market, the high-power titan brought to you by KFC Gaming…
Introducing…the KFConsole; the only video game console in the world that can also keep your chicken warm while you game.
Where do I even begin with this?
On 22nd December 2020, the official KFC Gaming Twitter unveiled the trailer for its new console, having been previously announced and disregarded as a joke, not something that would ever be released. We were mistaken.
According to the tech details found on its official webpage, KFConsole is basically built like a bucket-shaped PC; it contains SeaGate 1TB SSD, an Intel NUC compute element, a swappable GPU unit and an Asus graphics card. It allegedly runs intentionally hot, to help power its most unique feature; the Chicken Chamber.
Since we apparently hadn’t suffered enough in 2020, the main feature of KFConsole is the chamber at the front of the console that stores chicken and keeps it warm while you’re gaming, so that you can “focus on your gameplay and enjoy hot, crispy chicken between rounds”. Because everyone wants an oven sat next to their TV while the overwhelming stench of fried chicken engulfs the entire house.
Perhaps the weirdest part of this whole scenario is that it’s actually pretty powerful. Cooler Master have stated that it plays games in 4K at 120 frames per second, with the potential to run certain titles in 8K and 240 frames per second. That’s more than even the recently-outdated PlayStation 4 and Xbox One could handle, and need I remind you that neither of them had a mini chicken oven built into it!
This isn’t the first time that KFC has dipped their greasy chicken fingers into the gaming pie; back in 2019, they released a parody dating simulation game called I Love You, Colonel Sanders, in which your character goes to the University of Cooking School, and meets colourful characters such as Professor Sprinkles (who is a teacher and also a corgi), a robot student called Clank who everyone hates, and the one and only Colonel Sanders who is, and I cannot stress this enough, the hottest guy in the entire school. It currently has over 8,000 positive reviews on Steam compared to 600 negative ones, and the fact we live in the timeline where a game about dating Colonel Sanders not only exists, but is actually well-reviewed, makes me both diabolically happy and hopelessly depressed.
So far, details on the console are sparse. We don’t know how much it’s going to cost (what do you pay for a console that is literally on fire on the inside), or what games will be on it (though I’m willing to guess what its launch title will be). We don’t have a release date and we don’t have full details on the specs yet (we know it’s powered by an Asus graphics card, but not which one). But we do know that it’s coming, soon.
All of this is, of course, a marketing stunt. It’s meant to gain traction, it’s meant to go viral. It’s meant to create a story so ridiculous that people forget about the time they ran out of chicken to serve, or the rumour that they grew mutant power-chickens, or the time their Chinese division got caught mixing expired meat with fresh meat. They’re trying to cement themselves as ‘gamer fuel’, like Mountain Dew or Doritos or Monster. It’s a joke meant to show how ‘cool’ KFC are, so they get to say “look how crazy we are! Buy our console, and get some KFC while you’re at it!” It’s a paper-thin marketing ploy, and barely worth considering.
So why can’t I stop thinking about it?
Ever since this dumb bucket was announced, I literally haven’t thought about anything else? Why did they think this was a good idea? Why did they go so far with the joke? What games will it actually run? Is it limited release? Should I buy one? Does it make for a good alternative for a PC? Or does it only have value in its status as a meme? Why am I even thinking of buying one? Where would it go? Does it go in the living room or the kitchen? Does it cook chicken or just keep it warm? Would it keep anything other than chicken warm? Does it need to be approved by the FDA or something? I don’t know! I’m not a chef! I’m a student, I write articles about games in my spare time, I should not be thinking about KFC this much!
I hope my headache goes away soon.
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