im, quite aware its fairly unhealthy to think these thoguhts
but dear god we are made like you
but dear god i can see the purpose you gave us
plain in the way you make blood vessels break
in the way the human body deteriorates in the way im,
quite aware perhaps too aware of how you make it satisfying to give in to baser instincts and pleasures
i was never raised particularly religious
but i said prayers to you every night till that one time my mother told me god is perfect and then she cried at the door and told me to be strong till she came back and i was left with the plate of macaroni no one else but me liked but i liked it because it was my mother who made it and i would always say i loved her to her
how can one fathom hurting another easy just fathom curling your hand into a fist and thrust it forwards
how can i fathom being violent and impulsive and angry when all the people i never want to see frown or cry or die have been hurt by someone like me
im,
quite aware of how you are
im,
quite aware of how toxic my hands are
im,
quite aware of how god is with you
im,
thinking of killing you so youll never be hurt ever again
im,
crystallising every moment i have with you so youll never crumble again
im,
thinking i should stop feeling this way so i can better help the people around me im,
wringing every moment of you from god so i can feel better about when i murder him finally im, talking too much about someone who probably doesnt even exist sorry
let me spen our time together celebrating every moment with you because thats what you deserve yes no one really deserves anything except that
to be treated like a human with care love decency
i live in black and white absolution because everyone who is unhurted and safe and good is moral but people like myself who harm others or pretend to not hurt others are evil immoral and
im,
quite aware its fairly unhealthy to think these thoughts
but,
this way at least i dont have to keep running away